ESFJs and boundaries

For some personality types, healthy boundaries are difficult to set and maintain.

Among all the personality types who actively struggle doing so, we can think of ENFJs, ISFJs and INFJs but the ones who win the race are definitely ESFJs.

I wouldn't say it's a lifelong struggle for them, but it sure does look like it.

Why is it so difficult for ESFJs and what can they do about it?

In their flow state, ESFJs are caring, loving, giving and dedicated. Using a mix of their personal experiences and of the collective's moral compass, they will guide, care for and nurture the people in their lives, giving to others what they would love to receive themselves. They see interrelations between people and places and will seek to make people comfortable as they go.

Boundaries are the personal limits we set to protect our emotional, physical, and mental well-being. They define what we are comfortable with and how we expect others to treat us. Boundaries help establish respect, personal space, and autonomy in relationships. Boundaries can be of any type, and usually ESFJs do well with all sorts of boundaries except the ones that involve people.

As Fe users, ESFJs are attuned to everyone's needs and wants, usually to the detriment of their own. Because they give their all to meet everyone's needs and wants first, it's very difficult for them to stand their ground and set healthy boundaries when it comes to meet their own needs and wants.

Here are a few things that happens for ESFJs that keeps them from setting or enforcing their boundaries:

*Disclaimer: Here I'm not addressing underlying issues that are outside of the realm of personality, such as past trauma, addictions, or other biopsychosocial factors.

• Overused Fe:

When ESFJs only use Fe they will be overly attuned to other people; they will almost feel how they feel, and will be drawn to do everything in their power to meet their needs and wants.

When ESFJs over-rely on Fe they will display people-pleasing tendencies as a way to feel useful, appreciated and valued. The issue is that to set and follow through with healthy boundaries, we have to be comfortable with disagreements, or even with conflicts. Because ESFJs share everything with a full heart, they will usually take things at heart and feel rejected or undervalued when conflict or disapproval arise. Therefore the more they want to be seen in a good light and help others, the less they will do well with negative feedback or confrontation, leading them to struggle with setting boundaries that might displease others. Another challenge for ESFJs who overuse Fe is staying in touch with their own needs and desires around others.

To act on what they need, they generally benefit from taking time alone to analyze their feelings, even if it means pausing before agreeing during a conversation.

Setting boundaries requires protecting one's own thoughts and feelings. If ESFJs are too in tune with Fe, they won't be able to enforce them around others.

The key lies in choosing to prioritize themselves, at the risk of creating disharmonious interactions with others.

• Underused Si:
  

Since Si is the auxiliary (co-pilot) of ESFJs' cognitive preferences, they typically rely on it to gather data before making a decision.

When Si is used with Fe, ESFJs can draw wisdom from their past experiences to avoid repeating the same mistakes.

When Si is underutilized, Fe takes priority in decision-making, therefore benefiting the other person's feelings, dismissing the ESFJ's past knowledge, wisdom, and experience.

For ESFJs to improve their ability to set boundaries, they must consider the impact of their past decisions.

• Underused Ti:

Ti being their Inferior cognitive function, it is usually left out of the decision-making process because it feels stressful to use it for ESFJs.

Even so, ESFJs would benefit from the discomfort of analyzing things with their own logic, validating their decisions and past experiences via the Si-Ti loop.

When Ti is underused, ESFJs will mostly struggle deciding with logic; it will almost feel like there is another person deciding for them since they so often decide with their heart.

The struggle for internal validation will be real also, because by the same process they will look at their past experiences, decisions and emotions with scrutiny and will be their own judge, bringing to light all the ways they did wrong or didn't do as good as they hoped for.

ESFJs will gain by validating their own logic and trusting their own decision-making when decisions are carefully pondered, studied and reached.

The same applies with boundary-setting; ESFJs will know what to do when they carefully take the time to logically review the situation and what matters to them, assuming they trust their ability to make logical decisions on their own.

• Ni Trickster:

Given that Ni is their Deceiving cognitive function, a weakness for ESFJs is to clearly define what they want for their life or future without input from others.

Their long-term vision is usually not considered in ESFJs decision-making process, making it even more difficult to decide what long-term boundaries they want to enforce, and for what purpose. ESFJs who improve their self-awareness will acknowledge this weakness and will go around it by setting daily boundaries with no expectation that they stay the same in the future.

• Te Demon:

ESFJs who deal with lots of stress, commitments and over giving might experience the "Demon" of their cognitive preferences, which is the use of Te. In this mode, setting boundaries will most likely not work as it will feel like another daunting task with no end. When ESFJs enter this mode they dismiss Fe completely, running the risk of being perceived as harsh, imposing, or controlling from other people. ESFJs who do experience this state will benefit from prioritizing self-care and taking it one action step at a time. Conclusion

In conclusion, ESFJs are extremely caring and loving individuals who will do whatever they can for the well-being of others. By accepting some discomfort in social settings, prioritizing self-care and their well-being, taking time to reflect, and trusting their own logic and past experiences, ESFJs are perfectly capable of establishing healthy social boundaries. ESFJs who establish healthy boundaries on a daily basis generally understand that it's not necessary to disrespect themselves to be appreciated by others, nor is setting boundaries a cold, harsh and calculated action that can be taken at the expense of others. With daily practice, they generally achieve great success and are often even more respected, valued, and appreciated, both at work and in their home environments.